Feeling led to make a change

It was January 2025 and I felt so lost and confused. I was depressed. I was mourning the life that I felt I deserved. I so desperately wanted a traditional family. I wanted to be married. I wanted to raise my children in a home that was ours. I wanted my children to have a consistent father figure. I wanted my children to have a healthy lifestyle. This all felt impossible. My nervous system was a mess due to all the events that had happened in my past. I was often triggered trying to co-parent. I did not feel safe.

My cousin called me out of the blue and I told her about all my stresses and worries. I told her how I wanted to have a spouse. I told her I was concerned for my safety and the safety of my children. That’s when she reminded me to turn to God. I hadn’t turned to God in years! I believed in God and I went to church on occasion, but I was not devoted. I lived an unhealthy lifestyle. I was selfish. I turned to worldly things to make me happy. Her words were encouraging and I was desperate.

I decided to re-devote my life to God. I chose to change everything. I decided to lean on God and prayer instead of being struck with anxiety and depression. I gave up drinking, dating, and smoking. I challenged myself to care for my body and my mental health. I chose to put my faith into God.

I made the decision to move shortly after I had a powerful conversation with my cousin. She reminded me to have faith. I was encouraged to give all my worries and problems to God. I made a huge, risky decision to move away and try to work on healing myself. My cousin was going to be my main support, guide, and mentor during this transition. This was when I decided to risk it all and move closer to my cousin in OK.

Immediately I started looking for a way to get certified as a teacher in OK. I was successful in getting my certificate in OK with little complications. I was searching for jobs all over. I had an interview with my principal and we clicked right away. I felt that I was led by God into taking this position. I accepted the position and I kept moving forward with my plan. I had everything in place to move. We decided we were going to stay with my cousin for the summer to save money for housing.

Although I had a job and housing lined up, nothing would prepare me for the challenges I would face in moving.

Stricken with Fear

May, the month before I was supposed to leave, I was stricken with fear! Terrible fear that felt numbing. I couldn’t pack. I couldn’t think straight. I started searching for a job and housing in a neighboring town inn SD. I told the father of my kids I wasn’t going to move. It was a panic. I found some housing. I had an interview for a job.

I had two solid routes that I could take. I so badly wanted to stay with what was comfortable. The fear of moving that far away and starting over terrified me. I still felt led to follow through with my original plan. I decided to take a leap of faith and go with my original move to OK.

Being wishy-washy about my decision left me unprepared. I was frantically trying to pack my house. A couple days before I was going to leave, I still did not have my house packed. I was ready to give up. I cried countless tears and felt stricken with so much anxiety that I could hardly move.

(Remember, I put myself in a position that I was so unprepared). I needed a place to store my things before leaving. I didn’t know what to do. My plans were falling through.

I should have been packed. I should have organized a place for my things to go. I should have had a roll off bin to throw my trash into. I should have donated things. I should have had a garage sale. I should have asked for help sooner. I can go back and tell you all the things that I should have done differently. I cannot express how terrified I was to move. It almost cost me the move.

Answered Prayers

Ultimately, I prayed, and I had the courage to ask for help. I was so embarrassed to admit how unprepared I was. I was offered help many times before, but I denied the help. I was embarrassed to show people the mess I had in trying to organize a move. I was embarrassed to admit to people I had no clue what I was doing. I was also scared. I did not know if the move was the right choice!

However, you must ask for help! That’s what it comes down to. You have to set aside your feelings and ask for help. God doesn’t want you to live these experiences alone. It would have been easier if I set aside my feelings and allowed those who offered to help, help me sooner. However, I have learned and now know better.

I’m so thankful for those who were able to help me during this time. One person was able to help watch my kids while I packed. Another person helped organize to move my piano out of my house. She also helped me pack half my house. ( I could not believe how much stuff I was just hoarding in my house!) I had someone help me to take some trash to their burn pit. Another friend came over to help pack the rest of my things and help me clean. I had a friend loan me their trailer so we can take loads to the storage. I didn’t even have storage right away! I got that a couple days before we had to move out! God was able to provide them as well.

The Final Stretch

I was so unprepared in so many ways. The last day, my help went home and I stayed at the house while a family friend watched my kids. It was so bad that I was up to about 4am still trying to pack. To be clear, I broke down in tears many times! I wanted to give up. I was angry with myself for making such an impossible decision. I was on the phone sobbing to my dad! I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to survive the whole ordeal. I exhausted all my resources. I felt that the people who were helping me were exhausted as well. I let them all down so to say.

What should have been an easy ordeal of moving boxes became a frantic struggle to get things packed, cleaned, and moved. I was suppose to be out that day and I still had more to do. I ended up texting my landlord admitting that I did not make the deadline. I still had a lot more to get packed and cleaned up! I went to my friends’ house and got some sleep.

I remember sitting on the porch the last day, alone, scared, and out of energy. I felt I had no where else to go. I had a whole pile of trash to get rid of, some more things to pack, and cleaning to do. I was sobbing, and crying out to God. That’s when a couple people came to mind and I was urged to start calling friends. I started calling all the people I knew to see who else could help me.

Finally my friend came to the rescue! She was the energy I needed. She snapped into gear. We packed and cleaned and finished up! I even called on the father of my kids to come and help move things while my friend and I packed. We were packing while the father of my kids and a family friend were moving things. We finally got it all done. Packed and moved my entire house in 3 days. I am so thankful for all the people that were placed in my life to help me during this move.

Have you ever made a decision that you felt was impossible, but you had to move forward anyway? How were you able to get through those times?

You can Find Hope too!

My point is, if there is a will, there is a way. I could have just given up and gone with my plan to stay in SD. It would have been easier. It would have been safe. But it would not heal ME! I needed this move so that God could work through me and heal me.

I hope if you are reading my struggles that you can relate and find courage. That you can find hope in the strength of Jesus. God can work miracles. These people who came to me in my time of need, each one, was my miracle. God will provide in your time of need. I always told people that I was clinging on to God. He became my strength.

I thought I had gone through hard things before, but doing this as a single Mom was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. You do not have to stay stuck in your situation. You can make decisions to better your life. Even the impossible can be made possible through Christ. You can make choices to better your life. You do not have to stay feeling stuck. God loves you and wants the best for your life. You are a child of God! You deserve the best in your life!

If you find yourself lost, alone, defeated, turn to God. Most importantly ask for help. Do not let the things that feel impossible stop you. We were given free will. I do not suggest that anyone uproot their life like I did. I was ill-equip and unprepared. I would have a lot of advice if you do decide to make that decision so you are not struggling in the ways that I did.

Are you finding yourself in a situation that you want to change? Here are some of my take aways if I were to go back and do this all over.

• Turn to God for strength and comfort
• Ask for Help
• Seek Counsel from those wiser than you
• Don’t wait until the last minute
• Turn to local resources (Women’s shelter or church)
• Try to prepare for all the possibilities
• Give yourself plenty of time
• Do not give yourself an unreasonable timeline

PS: I want to give a shout out to my dad. My dad and I were on the phone nonstop through this whole time. He was my rock, my anchor. He listened to all my cries. He encouraged me to keep going even when I felt I didn’t have it in me. He reassured me that it would all work out when I felt I was at a loss.